fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
