I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
