I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
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