My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
