Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
