I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
