Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I am naked and annoyed.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
