What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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