dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize