She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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