Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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