I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
