Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
