if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
