i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize