U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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