I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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