I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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