Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
