dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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