hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
pray to the hookup gods
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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