We won't sleep together?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
