fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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