He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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