Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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