just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
