I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
