Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
My ATM looks so different sober.
How's work?
Spinning.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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