She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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