Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Come see our sink grown plant.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
