you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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