I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
barbara walters just said penis...
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
