Say something about gay babies.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
