I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
