Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
