Cold hands, warm shart.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
