i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
