3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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