man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
