RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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