Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Randomize
