Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
sarcasm needs its own font
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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