he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
