We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
