Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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