very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
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