I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
