70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
