i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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