i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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