i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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