My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
