woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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