barbara walters just said penis...
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
